Talk to them when they are sober
Trying to have an important conversation while they are drinking often ends in an argument, confusion or promises that are forgotten the next day. Wait until they are sober and you are both as calm as possible.
Say clearly what concerns you. You do not have to prove how much they drink or win an argument about whether they have a problem.
Tell them what their drinking is doing
Talk about what you actually see and experience: missed plans, arguments, money problems, changes in behaviour, broken promises or the effect on family life.
They may disagree with you or minimise what has happened. You can still be clear about what their drinking is doing to you and the people around them.
Encourage them to get help
Help can come from a doctor, an alcohol treatment service, a counsellor, a recovery service or a treatment facility. You can encourage them to speak to someone who understands alcohol problems and the different ways of stopping.
You can find information or offer to go with them if they want you there. They still have to actually seek the help themselves.
Offer practical help if they want to stop
If they decide they want to stop, you can help them make an appointment, find a service, arrange transport or support practical changes that make getting help easier. You cannot make them go.
If they drink heavily or may be physically dependent on alcohol, suddenly stopping can be dangerous. They should speak to a doctor or alcohol treatment service about how to stop safely.
Think about what you are doing for them
Helping can gradually turn into dealing with the consequences of their drinking for them. You may call work with an excuse, pay bills or debts, apologise to other people, clean up after them or hide what is happening from family and friends.
You may have good reasons for doing those things, especially when you are trying to protect children, keep a household running or prevent another crisis. It is still worth asking whether something you are doing is helping them or simply making the immediate consequences of their drinking easier for them to avoid.
Don't try to police their drinking
Counting drinks, checking bottles, searching hiding places, pouring alcohol away or trying to control their money can take over your life without stopping them from drinking.
You can refuse to buy alcohol for them or take part in their drinking. That is different from making yourself responsible for finding and preventing every drink they may have.
Be careful with ultimatums
An ultimatum can become another attempt to make them stop: stop drinking or I will leave, stop drinking or you cannot see me, stop drinking or something else will happen.
If you say that you will do something, think about whether it is a decision you are genuinely prepared to carry through. Deciding what you will do to protect yourself is different from using a threat to control whether another person drinks.
You can help, but you cannot do it for them
You can listen, encourage them, help them find professional support and stand beside them while they make changes. Those things can matter.
You cannot make them want sobriety, make them accept help or stay sober on their behalf. Their recovery has to involve their own decisions and actions.