Your brother or sister drinks

Because they are your brother or sister, not simply someone who drinks.

You can love them and hate being around them when they are drunk. You can worry about them all night and be furious with them the next morning. You can feel sorry for them and still think they have ruined another family occasion.

One feeling does not cancel out another. They can all be true at the same time.

Because you remember them before drinking became such a big part of the relationship.

You remember the laughs, the rows, the nights out, the private jokes and the history you share. They are still there, but sometimes the relationship you had with them feels as though it has gone.

You can miss somebody who is still alive and still part of your life.

Because you love them and you want your brother or sister back.

You think about what else you could say, what else you could do and whether you should try one more time. When nothing changes, it is easy to feel that you have failed them.

You have not failed because you cannot make another person stop drinking. Loving them does not give you the power to fix them.

Because you know that person. You have seen them sober, funny, kind and completely themselves. Of course you want that relationship back.

A good day can make you think things are changing. Another drunken night can make you feel as though you are back at the beginning.

Hope is difficult because it can keep coming back even after you have been disappointed many times.

Because drunk behaviour can be annoying.

They repeat themselves, argue, become loud, say things they would not normally say or turn an ordinary evening into another evening about their drinking.

Being irritated does not mean you do not understand they have a problem. It means you are living with the effect of that problem too.

Because you know they have a problem and you know they are struggling. Then you remember the times you lost your temper, avoided them or thought you simply could not deal with them again.

You are allowed to be angry about what their drinking does to you and your family. Anger does not mean you stopped loving them.

Because everybody reacts to it. Parents worry. Brothers and sisters get angry, frightened or tired of it. Plans change. People argue about what should be done.

One person is drinking, but everyone around them can end up changing the way they behave because of it.

There is no fixed amount you owe them because you are their brother or sister.

You can listen, take them to an appointment, help when they genuinely want help or be there when you choose to be. You do not have to provide money, cover for them or sort out every crisis.

Help because you have decided to help, not because the whole family assumes you will.

Yes.

You can refuse money, refuse to lie for them, refuse to have them in your home when they are drunk or refuse to deal with another problem they have created.

Saying no to something does not mean saying you no longer care about them.

Parents can worry about what will happen to one child when they are no longer around and start looking to another child to take over.

You are their brother or sister. You do not automatically become responsible for their money, their home or their drinking because your parents are getting older.

If this is being assumed, talk about it before it becomes a crisis.

Your nieces or nephews can be living with things the rest of the family only sees occasionally.

Be somebody they can talk to. Do not ask them to cover for their parent or keep frightening things secret.

If you believe a child is in immediate danger, contact emergency services or the appropriate child-protection service where the child lives.

Losing a brother or sister after years of alcohol problems can leave you with grief and a lot of other feelings beside it.

You can miss them terribly and still remember how angry they made you. You can wish you had answered the phone, stayed longer or been kinder the last time you saw them. You can also feel relief that the drinking and the crises have stopped and then feel guilty for that.

The rest of the family will be grieving too, but that does not mean your grief has to disappear while you look after everybody else.

Their death does not change the fact that you loved them, including during the times when loving them was difficult.

Yes. Love, anger, worry, guilt, hope, sadness and frustration can all exist in the same relationship.

You do not have to choose one feeling and pretend the others are not there.

You can read what other people have written first, or talk when you are ready.

Go to the Community