Why do I hide their drinking from other people?
Because telling people makes it real outside your home. While nobody knows, you can go to work, see friends and visit family without having to explain what is happening.
You are embarrassed. You don't want people judging your partner, but you don't want them judging you either. You don't want to answer questions about why you stay, why you put up with it or why you can't make them stop.
So you make excuses. You cancel plans. You tell people they are ill when they are drunk. You clean up before anyone visits. You pretend last night didn't happen because today they are sober.
You are protecting them, protecting your family and protecting yourself from having to explain something that has become difficult enough to live with.
You are not the only person who hides it.
Why am I embarrassed or ashamed of their drinking?
Their drinking belongs to them, but you live with what happens because of it. You see the behaviour other people don't see. You remember the arguments, the lies, the cancelled plans and the things said when they were drunk.
Shame grows easily in secrecy. You start thinking about what other people would say if they knew. You wonder whether they would blame you for staying or think there must be something wrong with your family.
Their drinking is not a reflection of your worth, your judgement or your ability to hold a family together.
Why do I keep making excuses for them?
Sometimes an excuse is easier than the truth. Saying they are ill is easier than saying they are too drunk to come. Cancelling dinner is easier than wondering what will happen if you go.
You can also end up dealing with the consequences because somebody has to. You phone work, apologise to family, rearrange plans and smooth things over. It keeps life moving, but it also leaves you carrying problems created by somebody else's drinking.
It is worth noticing how much of your time is spent protecting them from consequences that belong to them.
Why am I always checking how much they have drunk?
Because the amount they drink changes what happens to you. You learn to look at the bottle, listen to their speech, watch how they walk and work out how much they have had before they tell you.
Checking can feel like a way of staying one step ahead. If you know how much they have drunk, perhaps you can judge whether to change the evening, cancel something or avoid an argument.
The problem is that checking can take over your life without giving you control over their drinking. You become responsible for monitoring something you cannot actually control.
Why do I believe them when they promise it will be different?
Because you want it to be true. When they are sober, sorry and promising to change, the person you love is standing in front of you. It is completely understandable that you want to believe this time will be different.
A promise can also be genuine when it is made. That does not mean they will be able to keep it. Regret after drinking and lasting change are not the same thing.
After enough broken promises, look at what happens rather than what is promised. Repeated actions tell you more than another apology.
Why do I feel as though I have to keep everything normal?
Because ordinary life still has to happen. Children need feeding. Bills need paying. Work still starts in the morning. Birthdays, school, family visits and everyday responsibilities do not stop because somebody is drinking.
You become the person who keeps things going. That can become so normal that you stop noticing how much extra responsibility you are carrying.
Keeping the household functioning is not the same as being responsible for making their drinking look normal.
Can I love them and still hate what their drinking is doing?
Yes. Loving somebody does not mean you have to like living with their drinking. You can remember who they are sober and still dread who they become after alcohol.
You can be frightened for them and angry with them at the same time. You can want them to recover and also want one evening when their drinking is not your problem.
Those feelings do not cancel each other out. They are part of living with a situation that keeps hurting you.
Why do I feel guilty when I put myself first?
When their drinking has taken over family life, thinking about yourself can feel selfish. You are used to asking whether they are safe, whether they have been drinking and what you need to do next.
Your needs have not disappeared because your partner has a problem with alcohol. You are allowed to sleep, see friends, make plans, spend money on yourself, say no and decide what you will and will not live with.
Looking after yourself is not abandoning them.
Should I tell other people what is happening?
You do not owe everyone an explanation, but keeping everything secret can leave you completely alone with it.
Choose carefully. Tell somebody you trust and tell them what you need from them. You can say that you want them to listen rather than tell you what to do. You do not have to explain every detail in one conversation.
If you are not ready to tell somebody you know, an anonymous community can be a first place to say what is happening without putting your name to it.
What if I can't live like this anymore?
Reaching that point does not automatically tell you what to do next. You can love somebody and still know that the way you are living cannot continue.
Think about what has become unacceptable to you and what would have to change. Those are questions about your life, not threats designed to make somebody else stop drinking.
You do not have to decide the rest of your life tonight. You can start by being honest with yourself about what this is costing you.
Does anyone else actually understand what this is like?
Yes. Other people know what it is like to listen for the key in the door, check a bottle without thinking, cancel plans at the last minute and wake up the next morning wondering whether to mention what happened the night before.
You do not have to make the situation sound better than it is here. You can read what other people have written first, or talk when you are ready.